Today I would like to talk to you about a figure from Antibes Juan les Pins.

All Antibois and Juanais have, one day or another, crossed paths with Johnny (Eric by his real name) who wandered his tall, slender figure by the sea or in the streets of the city and his blue gaze lost in infinity

For more than twenty years if not more, He came and went, solitary, a bottle in his hand.

He was never aggressive towards anyone, even when he was totally drunk!

When you met his gaze, and we smiled at him, he smiled too.

Sometimes, according to his encounters, he would offer a young child a forgotten soft toy he had found on a bench, or a woman a flower can be stolen from the local florist or picked from a planter in the city.

Every now and then he would ask for a little money but just what he needed, sometimes only 50 cents because that’s what he needed.

No one really knows his story. According to some, he had been a doctor and his life was shattered by the accident in which he lost his wife and daughter. He drank to drown immense sorrow and try to forget.

One could not remain insensitive to the suffering of this man who always wandered about alone. He was not very verbose. He never spoke of his past, or of himself. Sometimes, he spoke of literature, of poetry and declaimed a few verses…, he lived in his universe. He had excluded himself from the world, from this world where he could not see himself living without the love of his wife and daughter, his one and only reason for living.

Here are some comments, on F… ..: “a real figure”, “a legend”, “a mascot”, “a very nice man”. Everyone is unanimous in saying that he was a good man.

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He left to join his family.

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Their last words

We all have words that stick to our minds, a phrase that is retained because it echoes a situation, because it particularly affects us. This observation allows us to measure the importance of what we communicate.

I I remember the last time I heard my mother’s voice. The Samu was with my parents and had to take care of her. She suffered from heart failure and had to be rushed to hospital on a regular basis, which happened more and more often. One of my sisters who was there called to tell me and I heard my mother say to one of the caregivers: “I trust you” . The same evening she died.

In my ears have echoed for a long time and still echo those few words …. the last words I heard from my mother.

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So, then, I got into the habit of keeping the messages that my father left on my answering machine, I should rather say the message because it was, almost, invariably the same : “Hello c ‘ is Dad, I wanted to hear from you. Lots of love. Dad “

Less than two years later, my father also left … when I missed him too much, I listened to those few words and then one day, I unfortunately deleted this message.

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These words of my parents mark in a rather special way the memories I have of them.

It’s quite strange when you know that they were not very talkative especially about anything that touched them personally!

On second thought, maybe it was because I needed to hear other words…. Those who could have shed light on all the gray areas of family history.

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My parents were from that generation that experienced war. They never mentioned this troubled and painful time, especially my father who lost almost all of his family.

Three months before he passed away, he “dropped” me a few snippets of his origins. I told him “Daddy, you have to tell me more” to which he replied “You know it’s a long story, it’s difficult for me to tell you some things like that, takes time, next time ”.

He left before telling me the rest, the little he told me allowed me to understand him a little and to justify certain presentiments but I would have liked so much to know more to know my roots.

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It is so important to convey. The past helps to know where we come from, who we are and allows us to know where we want to go. Secrets, the unspoken, the partly hidden truths, do not protect, they are fetters that prevent the energy of life from flowing freely.

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Patricia

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Prepare for end of life

Pascale, Professional Coach and partner of e-TellYou, shares with us the support she provided to a person with cancer. She brings us here with great delicacy and humanity her last moments of life with a need to express and share with those close to her the essential, which really matters.

A Testimony of Marie France, whose name will remain secret in accordance with her wish. Suffering from general cancer at the age of 41, she decides to prepare this path and for this, to be accompanied by a professional in this process. She contacts me for this purpose.

Since the start of her illness, Marie France, nurse, mother of three children, two older teenagers, and a small baby. She knew full well that time was running out, approximately two years to prepare for this departure.

It is really very short and at the same time a long time to contemplate his death … and to help others accept it.

Catholic, she believed in God, but without having delved too deeply into the question.

His initial objective was to be able to support his loved ones in the face of this situation and to leave each one a special testimony.

  • Her baby

So that he would remember all the love she had for him, sharing with him as it had been difficult for him to leave, sharing with him his deep values, which led his life.

But at 18 months, we cannot understand this lack, this emptiness. It was agreed that it would be long after the child opened his letter, as a teenager, and found this correspondence maintained throughout the illness to express his feelings.

  • Her young adult children , totally refusing this departure, to bring sweetness through rituals proposed for “after” that made sense for her, and she hoped for them.

I remember the ritual proposed to stay in touch, which consisted in bringing him small bouquets of violets on his grave.

I can testify that her daughter clung to this “ritual” after she left, giving a little countenance, color, meaning to emptiness, to absence.

She also wished to bring her vision of Life to encourage them to Live fully, to realize themselves, to be happy.

It was through writing that she wanted to accompany them and we put the words together.

  • Her husband who could not accept the illness, was so clumsy. So she chose writing again to leave him a special testimony of what she would want for him, and for his family.

She also wanted to express feelings that were close to her heart, to free herself.

Marie France therefore applied herself to writing several essential messages on different dates according to the recipients.

It was all to accompany others. As a nurse, Marie France had the art of taking care of others. Much less of it.

Her main, yet totally unexpected, goal was to take care of her.

Settling down with someone outside the family, and a support professional, allowed her to cope with her illness. There were saying, laughing, crying, shared silences, compassion and also things to do to open the heart and let go with your mind.

Fully welcome this time of inner journey to make it a time chosen and not suffered. To be a standing woman, free of choice in an unselected space. Accept that you are not always strong and let others help her.

To be here and now more than ever .. Stretch time, breathe it, savor it. By the 5 senses.

View with as much serenity as possible your departure into the unknown.

We thus walked 18 months, at her place, but also in the gardens of the hospital where she was following her treatment, then in her room when she could no longer go out, then in her last moments when she had a presentiment of the end. , with astonishing serenity.

I have accompanied her professionally, as she has also accompanied me humanely in exploring this reality. May this article pay tribute to his strength and gentleness.

With each accompaniment, another 30 years later, Marie France’s smile forms a backdrop, an image so confident that strengthens me in my work.

What to remember from this approach? It really allows you to open your heart to this stranger to tame him and gain serenity.

It allows you to tell your loved ones what matters, and thus lift the famous painful family secrets for those who remain after.

It allows you to get to know each other, to visit old hidden feelings, to lighten your heart, and to share beautiful moments of deep joy.

Pascale, Professional Coach and partner of e-TellYou.

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Talking to yourself

Do you, like me, speak to yourself and sometimes even aloud? In the context of social isolation associated with Co-Vid, one might think that this is undoubtedly a way of feeling less alone, but not necessarily …

I must say that I speak to myself, always, every day and even maybe several times a day … whether in my professional life or even in my private life …

In fact, I never stopped… as I get older I just pay attention to one thing, not to talk to myself out loud when I’m around people I don’t know much… just to save myself sideways glances. !

If at one time you could be seen as mentally ill, that is no longer the case. The terminology of self-directed speech or self-talk is even used. And that would have certain virtues… rather reassuring to be able to say to oneself “I make the conversation, but no I’m not crazy”.

Talking to myself helps me focus, stay focused on what I’m doing. I manage to understand situations and contexts more quickly, and then to better consider and plan the actions to be implemented to move forward or solve a problem.

In fact, it really helps me to reflect, to structure my thinking, to analyze and to progress.

In a lighter way, I can also give myself courage with a: “Come on, go” as if I had to do a bungee jump or congratulate myself by saying things like : “You did well” and sometimes even a “You’re great! ».

 

This is on the bright side, but there is, of course, the other side.

I can also be less nice to myself by saying to myself: “You shouldn’t have” “It’s completely silly what you did or what you said” , ” You are stupid »,… and when I am really in these negative speeches, I resort to Paulette…

Paulette was the first name of an acquaintance of my parents. When I must have been around ten years old, I heard her say to my mother “I pity you with your 3 daughters, children are just pain”. Since that day- there, I really did not like Paulette! And then I realized that she was always but really always in the criticism.

So I called Paulette, that’s the name I gave to this other one who criticizes me, and I say to myself: “It’s still a blow from Paulette” and of course, like I talk to myself, I say to myself / her “Stop Paulette, that’s enough, there’s no point in always being in the negative!” “

When Paulette continues, I ask her to say things differently, for example instead of saying “You should have done…. “, I suggest to him to ” You did as you could “.

Sometimes, I even push Paulette to go to the height of criticism and then really put it back in place “Paulette is exaggerating you as usual, it’s totally disproportionate what you say and it’s not that serious after all ! “. This makes me realize that by being “polarized” by this reproach or this negative reflection, I give it a place that is out of all proportion to reality.

Paulette is of great help to me because maybe you noticed it, we are often our worst judge and what we say to ourselves, we might not really say it to someone else …

If you haven’t already, find your Paulette, a person who has existed or who exists, a character from a movie or comic book, or make it up. You will see that it will help you progress and have better self-esteem!

 

In some contexts it is, however, difficult to help but blame yourself for what you might have, should have or dared to do or say. We blame each other terribly, and we start to rehash, we work in a loop and we get stuck on situations or thoughts….

To be able to move forward, it is often enough to dare to say what one keeps deep inside.

In very significant cases, we can find it very useful to express what becomes heavy, even if it means waiting a while, several weeks, several months or even several years, to transmit it to the person concerned when it is more understood, more accepted. or more forgivable.

When we are in recurring and deleterious negative self-talk, we can also call on professionals: coach, psychologist who will work on self-esteem.

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Patricia

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Find yourself during a walk

To fight the Co-Vid virus, I was, like everyone else, forced for weeks into a degree of isolation and social distancing. For some time now, the range of travel has been no longer restricted and I have resumed one of my favorite leisure activities: hiking. And I was able to observe a few small changes in each other’s attitudes… .and it was not in avoiding crossing paths at all.

Last Sunday, I went for a short hike above Vence, the Cascade de Vescagne.

I was eager to resume hiking, not that I am a great walker but I like being in the middle of nature, I always find it very refreshing to be in a natural space.

And there what struck me was to feel like never before, an incredible feeling of freedom. Quite simply, what a well-being to be in nature.

Another thing that I found quite amazing was the people I met… never before had I had so many exchanges.

On small hiking trails, it had become rarer to hear a real “hello” when you passed people … I sometimes even had the impression of “snatching” this word from some … But hello, too mechanical be it, whether verbal or gestural, is the 1 st step of socialization.

And that day, all the people I saw, not only greeted me with a big smile, but many stopped for a moment to talk and share this feeling of freedom.

It is undoubtedly this limitation of the social bond that induces a greater need to communicate and exchange … and also to rethink our relationship with others with the desire to express to them everything that we have never been able to, knew or dared to tell them….

We are going through a time when we, perhaps, all feel the need to refocus and rediscover our innermost nature.

Isn’t the happiness of life a priority in being in harmony with yourself, with our own, and with all that surrounds us?

Patricia

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Deaf dialogue

Everyone knows the expression “dialogue of the deaf”, and there is nothing more annoying than realizing that one is speaking in a vacuum and that the other is not listening, especially when we have to say something important…

C ow to be heard?

Perhaps you have heard of NLP for neurolinguistic programming or NVC for non-violent communication… it requires a certain mastery not only in the practice of these techniques but also a certain ability to analyze one’s emotions and to control oneself.

I will not introduce you here to NLP or NVC for which, if you are interested, you will find plenty of information in the many articles, books or websites dedicated to it and which I invite you, moreover, to to consult!

Comme chacun sait, il n’y a pas pire sourd que celui qui ne veut not hear … but there are a few tips that I share with you …

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First tip:

Forget about the “we must talk”, always said in a peremptory way and which places the other in the position of a small child. It totally unbalances the exchange.

Besides, if someone says this to you in a bossy tone, don’t tell me you’re thinking “that’s great, we’re going to talk to each other.”

Isn’t it “What the hell has he got to tell me” or “This is (again) going to be my birthday”?

And I’m sure there are even situations where you’re like, ‘I’m going to let him empty his bag and it’ll be better afterwards’ and you don’t really listen to what you’re told.

Well, it’s the same with others … so banish that expression.

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In fact, “We have to talk” is totally counterproductive to open a dialogue.

Moreover, when it is the obvious sign of the lack of space to exchange…. And this is definitely the first thing to put in place …

Why not go without telephones and television during meals and take advantage of these moments to really share …

When you’re with your family, why not schedule a couple ritual: drink the coffee, the herbal tea at the end of the meal that the two of us together, or go for a walk the dog together, etc … and also, give each of the children the privileged moment where he will be the center of attention.

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Second :

Use humor!

If the other is closed, a barrier has been set up, and laughter is a barrier remover and, a priori,

this is a great way to play down a situation that seems to be stuck, to overcome certain tensions.

Humor is not given to everyone, it’s true …

You can, however, use it to start the dialogue by telling a funny thing or the last good joke you heard. Then you just “have to” take advantage of the other person’s listening to start the conversation.

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Third :

SIf you want to be heard, you also need to know how to use your voice well, because it is so important.

Have you noticed that if we are angry or stressed, we tend to speak faster, louder and, the icing on the cake, for us women, we go up in the treble … in short, everything is there so that the another “close the hatches”!

In parenthesis, rest assured Ladies, as we get older our voice becomes more serious and the voice of these gentlemen becomes more acute, and over time, there is less difference in tone….

While you will be more listened to if you speak calmly, clearly and modulating your voice to mark the passages that are important to you.

And read the fourth tip to be even more convinced of the importance of your voice.

 

Fourth :

Approaching the other as yourself, that is to say by really considering him as an equal, allows one to adopt an attitude that contributes greatly to non-verbal communication.

According to Albert Mehrabian, a Californian researcher in psychology, when we communicate on feelings or states of mind, face to face, the perception by the other of what is said, depends for 7% on what is said (the words), 38% of the way it is said (sound and intonation of voice) and 55% of body language (posture, facial expressions).

It’s crazy !

So no need to want to swallow snakes to the other…. because if we are not in the truth and sincere with ourselves, our voice and our body will betray us … the other will feel uneasy and will be less listening …

And finally, all these tips are useless, if you do not take into account the 5 tip …

 

5 tip:

Choose the best time to be heard!

Saying things between two doors or when the other is polarized by his favorite TV show… is sure not to be heard…; and speaking to a person who does not have the same references, the same representations, the same knowledge of the subject as you, is like speaking Basque to a Chinese….

This best time is when the other is available and also when they can understand you.
 

 

Patricia

 

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